Walking down the stair and headed to the wash room, all that i can thought of is "Shit! i'm gonna look like a zombie again...how to preserve my 'youth' is this keep happening?" (again, i admit that i'm so vain) Suddenly i saw something that totally wakes me up...Gosh!!! My mum was sitting down at a corner in front of the toilet, with a terribly pale face...she told me she's feeling dizzy and nauseous, and she started to vomit right after saying that... For a few second, i was numb. The 1st thing that flash into my mind was her Brain. She has gone through 2 major operations 2 years back for sculpt fractured, and she almost died. It was not easy to get her back..... I was terrified...
Looking at her vomitting, there's nothing i could do other than patting her back softly and getting her warm water. All my memories of her stayed in the icu flashed back. I quickly rushed into the toilet as i know i'm going to tear, i couldn't take it seeing her suffering...
Out of sudden i felt so guilty that i haven't spend a lot of times talking to her or giving her good company recently. I still remember that i've locked myself up in the room alone whole damn day on saturday and sunday. I didn't really speak to her because of my stupid 'mood swing'. She must be feeling lonely all these while, specially when we have all grown up. I'm behaving like such an asshole, we're all that she has now!!! There's nothing that she had ever requested accept for the best for us, her children...
Why didn't i appreciate every moment of her present in my life? I couldn't stop thinking about it. Just came home from job, she's asleep. So i quietly walked to her bed, she still looks so pale... my nightmare hasn't over yet... Doctor said that she might have just caught cold, i wish is it just that simple....
Sigh....i wish she's be alright tomorrow when she wakes up...please don't give me heart-attack....
Sometimes i wonder if i have dual personalities, weekdays is taken care by the Capricorn and weekends will be taken care by the Gemini...lol...did i scare you away? You better be....not... (lol, i learned that from "Borat") Sorry I'm a bit hyper now... All i wish now is that i can sleep like a 'pig' tonight, and every other nights....
You're probably listening to this song that i put on my blog now, if you are not, please turn on your speaker now. This is one of my most favourite songs (actually i have a lotsa favourite songs =P), and i hope you enjoy listening to it too...
"Fly me to the moon, and let me play among the stars....
Let me see what's spring is like on Jupiter and Mars......"(would you?)
p/s: i accidentally uninstalled my photoshop so i couldn't edit this pic...stupid me..
It's been years i was trying to figure out where is it cause the only thing i remember was just the kintergarden itself, but i don't know where is it. (my mum doesn't know about it either cause it was my dad who send me to class all the time)
My feeling was complex as i stood right in front of it, it was still drizzling but i couldn't care less. This place comprises some of my childhood memories...the classroom, the playground the gate...somehow i felt strange but familiar about it. Everythings was so well kept and all looks the same, but it was just way smaller than i remembered. It used to be a so huge for me. Once again it reminded me that i've grown up, i realised i was tearing a little bit, for happiness....(silly me)
On the way home, memories of my childhood in kintergarden evoked, i laughed alone in the car like mad...
I still remember that there was a boy, who're really talkative and noisy all the time. One day the teacher couldn't take it anymore and tried to threaten him, "If you keep making noise, tomorrow i'm going to bring the tape to tape up you mouth!".... Next day, the boy brouhgt the tape with him to the class, and placed it right on top of his table as he sitted. That day, he was pretty quiet as there's a tape on his mouth and he couldn't talk, but he looked happy. Can you believe it? There are actually people who're happy to supply the tape to the teacher to seal their mouth...lol...(i couldn't stop laughing)
There're a few more funny stories actually, but i need to go work on my assignments now. Will tell you about it later when i'm free. (i'll be pretty tied up with my works and assignments these few weeks so won't be able to update my blog as often, sorry ya..)
I always believe that angels actually exist in our lifes. You will see them only if you're lucky enough. And i was the very lucky one as this is the second time i saw them, the first time was when i was 12. Both were females.
I might not be able to remember how they look like, but i'll always remember that i've seen them, and remember their good deeds. It reminds me that the world is still beautiful. Whenever i think of them i couldn't stop smiling. I'm actually smiling now...
They don't have very pretty face nor sexy body, but they always have the warmest smiles, simple and pure. It naturally makes you feel that the 'look' is not what you're looking at, it's the heart, it's the person they are deep inside. They seems unimpaired by any bad influence of the world todays.
I wish that i could be strong enough to become one of them. But of course i need to keep my face, i'm vain i know, but i couldn't help it =P(it's in my blood). I really wish that one day my existence would brighten up someone's day and make someone smiles like i did today.
The feeling inside of me is really killing me, i thought it'll go away after sometimes, but it doesn't. In fact, it's getting greater each day and it spread so fast without me noticing it. It's taking over my body and soul, I feel like half of me has been taken away, or maybe more. I can barely control my thinking nor actions. I'm obsessed...
I've forgotten since when, sleeping and eating just for the sake of keeping myself alive. My face shrinking each day as i wake up to look into the mirror. I'm feeling nauseous all the time which i don't have any clue why. The more i controlled it the more it defeated me. Why do i need to go through all these?
I can barely feel myself now, where are you taking it to?
I'm tired, physically and mentally. Life is just so tiring. There're too many distractions, too much burden but my shoulder is just so small. I couldn't stay focus. If i could ever grant a wish, i'll wish that i could have the strength to carry on, or discontinued it at all....
Stop telling me that i'm didn't try hard enough, i did, and i have done my best. But what can i do when the mind not functioning the way i wanted it to. Just like feelings u can't catch it nor control it, it comes and it goes. It's not up to me to say "No, please stay..."
Yes it sounds despairing i know. I don't really know what am i trying to say here, i'm so tired right now and supposed to be asleep at this hour. But i always feel that there's something missing and i couldn't sleep....i don't know what is it...
I still love myself, and i'm trying to love myself better...i just don't love my life...
Sigh...There're too many things happening recently and most of them bring me to miseries, i didn't have lotsa sleeps since few weeks ago. Gosh i think i'm gonna get depression soon if all these things keep happening. But finally there's something happening that make me smile again, that's my new layout... =) (eventhough it's not very nice, lol!)
And guys, this is not gonna be the final look yet cause i'll still need to touch up here and there and try to add in cool stuffs... so stay tune... ^_~
What say you?......Labels: The capricorn girl
I came to realised that i've become a more soulful and emotional person, which i don't know how and i don't know when. Besides appreciating arts and all the beautiful things in life, i've learned to appreciate 'feelings' (i couldn't find a better word to explain). I can't really interpret in words what sort of 'feeling' is that, it's just like an abstract painting you can't really tell in words what are there, but you're feeling it. Of course that only apply to those who has the sense of art.
I'm not sure if you understand what i'm trying to tell you, or you might think that i'm crazy if i tell you this. I sense 'feeling' (i know this sounds really crazy), when it happen, i feel like 'they're' trying to talk to me in some foreign language that i can't impterpret in words, but i know understand the message 'they' wanna send to me.
I often feel the romantic feeling when i'm ALONE, mostly when i'm driving, or in a vehicle when somebody else is driving. (i actually spent lotsa times in the car, can you believe it?) it happen more frequently now. I think it somehow has something to do with the music that i'm listerning to. I seldom listern to radio anymore, i burn my own cd with songs that i chose, and i chose it because they comprises certain criterias. The feeling doesn't happen all the time when i'm listerning to those songs, as i said, it only happens when a few elements conjunt coincidently.
It is strange that i don't really need a valentine or lover to feel romantic, am i going crazy? Of course not, i guess i'm just sensitive in capturing feelings =)
A photo that i snapped with my phone when i was travelling to Penang in a friend's car. I was trying to capture the feeling that i felt by that moment. It's a mixture feeling of romantic + commitment + secure + trust + love + protect + belonging + etc...
Question: What would you do, when you're very hungry???
Correct Answer: Faster go eat!!!
My Answer: but...I'm still very lazy....
Question: What would you do, when gastric strike you because you're too hungry???
Correct Answer: Sigh....you're really helpless....
My Answer: Oh shit! I better go eat now before i kill myself...
Labels: My crazy thoughts...
For as far as i can remember, i was borned to be a natural capricorn. And i don't have any clue where does all those ego came from, i just know that it has always been there. I was way too independent for being a kid...i somehow feel quite sorry for myself for being so understanding and behaved too well ;PI've already learned simple mathematics like 1+2=3 or 2-1=1 even before i attend to kindergarten; i started to sing ( songs that i learned from radio ) even before i can speak clearly, and obviously i didn't understand what was i singing....
My 1st conversation with my 1st classmate (kindergarten), a boy who was sitting next to me named 'Kang Yi Kan'. I find it funny for remembering a person's name for such a long period even we didn't see each other after that. He started the conversation...
KYK
: That's my daddy and mummy over thereAfter that, I was SO VERY regret that i didn't cry and roll on the floor when my dad 1st put me down at the gate and asked me to look for my own class by myself. The rest of the kids left once the class ended as their parents were there 'companying' them. I ended up waiting alone by the gate for 20 minutes++, for my dearest daddy.....thanks for the 'reward' for being so well-behaved and understanding...(ish!!!)
Labels: The capricorn girl
